Sexual masochism VIII

I thought that one's sexuality was shaped exclusively by one's sexual experiences, that's why I insisted so much on the idea that it had to be a specifically sexual trauma that caused SM. But shrinks think that the whole of who you are, and of everything you've experienced in your life, comes into play and shapes who you are sexually.

From what I've read, a masochist is someone who was rejected by his parents (or whoever played that role in his life). A child looks to his parents for love, protection, and acceptance. If they are neglectful and act like he doesn't deserve being looked after, or if they are the ones the child needs protection from, then the mind rationalizes it, by saying: They didn't protect me because I don't deserve it.

This gives the child the illusion of safety, because: 1) he hopes that agreeing with his parents' negative assessment will ingratiate him to them, and that they will at last give him the acceptance and protection that he needs; 2) if he can believe it's his unworthiness that elicits attacks and neglect, he can believe that he has the power to turn things around, by improving himself; 3) even if he can't believe he can be a better person, seeing himself as the enemy means he can punish his enemy (himself) for as long as he likes, however he likes. He is powerless against his true attackers, but blaming himself, and punishing himself, and getting others to punish him, gives him back a feeling of control.

When this self-perception of guilt and worthlessness extends to how the person perceives himself sexually, it means he doesn't think anyone would want to have sex with. The reason I used to believe that one's self-perception as a sexual being had nothing to do with the rest of one's personality is because no one is ever completely satisfied with himself, and that doesn't mean we want a lover to echo our insecurities and say that he too finds us fat, or stupid, or whatever. We want a lover to accept us as we are, and to at the very least pretend to ignore our flaws. So why does a masochist only get turned on by someone who validates his negative views of himself? Because, due to his inferiority complex, that's the only scenario where he can imagine himself to be of sexual interest to anyone.

A sexual predator's "type" is anyone who is vulnerable to his attacks, either by brute physical force, or by coercion. Between feeling attracted to someone who is very sexy, but who could fend off his attacks, and someone not as sexy who is, nevertheless, defenseless, it's the second person that excites him. It's not the shape of the body, or the attitude, or the clothes of the victim, but the perceived weakness and vulnerability that he finds exciting. That's why it's unfair to blame the victims, because it's not something they've done or said that "provoked" the rapist. What turns him on is nothing as personal as an individual's characteristics, but simply that he can dominate the person sexually. In his eyes a victim is nothing more than a sex toy, to be used for his selfish pleasure like an inflatable doll.

A masochist believes that anyone who sees him as an individual would reject him (like his parents did); so only someone who barely sees him as human (like his parents did), and just wants a sex slave he can use, would desire him. Hence the complicated games that aim at depersonalizing the masochist: the masks and hoods that hide his face, and turn him into a thing that is bound and gaged and inert. In these fantasies the attacker is not in love, because the masochist doesn't perceive himself as someone who can be loved. If the word is used it is cruelly, as an ironic and manipulative thing to say, to cause greater pain and feelings of rejection.

The moment a masochist started to believe that sex, for him, would only ever be possible in the hands of a sadistic sexual predator, who would use him as a sex toy, his brain accepted that "only way" as the only desirable way, because it's the only possible way. I think the biological imperative to have sex is a lot stronger than our prudish society is comfortable to admit.