Agnes of God (1985) takes place at a nunnery. A slightly retarded young nun, called Agnes, is found with her dead baby. It looks like she herself may have killed it to hide her sin, but the authorities aren't sure if she can be tried. So a shrink (played by Jane Fonda) is called to interview her.
Anne Bancroft is the best thing in the movie. She plays Miriam Ruth, the mother superior of the nunnery, and she's very cool. Without betraying her vocation, or her duties as an abbess, she's not a superstitious church-mouse: she's an understanding, humane, down-to-earth type of woman, who can have a smoke and crack jokes about her religion with the best of them.
The scene I remember most fondly is a conversation she has with Agnes, who has burnt her bed sheets (quoting from the movie script):
Mother Miriam Ruth: Where are your sheets?
Agnes: I burnt them.
Mother Miriam Ruth: Why?
Agnes: They were stained.
Mother Miriam Ruth: How many times have I burned into your thick skull and the thick skull of your fellow novice, that menstruation is a perfectly natural process and nothing to be ashamed of.
Agnes: Yes, Mother.
Mother Miriam Ruth: Say it!
Agnes and Genevieve: It is a perfectly natural process and nothing to be ashamed of.
Mother Miriam Ruth: Mean it!
(The two girls start to repeat it but Agnes starts to cry and Genevieve falters into silence. Mother Miriam goes on more kindly.)
Mother Miriam Ruth: A few years ago one of the Sisters came to me in tears, asking for comfort, comfort because she was too old to have any children. Not that she wanted to, but once a month she had been reminded of that possibility.
One hardly ever gets a glimpse into the lives of nuns, and certainly not into their inner lives, but this bit of dialog from the movie rings very true, as comment on what middle-age crisis is.
I think everybody has dreams and fantasies they give up on, because they seem too absurd or impractical, or because people don't have enough faith in themselves, or the necessary courage and persistance to go through it. They put aside what they consider to be childish dreams, and focus instead on achieving stuff that seems more feasible.
But sometimes those fantasies don't go away. In fact, in the secret of their hearts, and unbeknownst to the world, dreamers may need their daily fix of fantasizing, like someone poisoned by reality need his antidote; without it he wouldn't stand living. He may not realize it, but he lives in hope that the dream may still come true somehow, and this fantasy is all that keeps him going.
Sometimes you only realize how much something mattered to you when you lose it; and one of life's most terrible things is when you suddenly realize just how important a dream was to you -- because it's now definitely impossible: you're too old to start the career you didn't think you could succeed at, too old to leave your loveless marriage and go find the love of your life, too old to have the kids that deep inside you always wanted. You denied yourself all these things because you didn't think you deserved them. While you were young you could live in hope; but now you can't even have that. You're stuck with self-contempt. A middle-age crisis at its worst is realizing you've betrayed yourself because you didn't want to be foolish, and wasted your life in the process.
I think it's worth at least giving your dreams an honest shot, if for no other reason so you can have peace of mind. If you try and fail, that's terribly sad, sure; but at least you can still be friends with yourself, you can forgive yourself for your human limitations, you can have closure. Otherwise life may have a very unpleasant surprise waiting for you down the road.
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11 comments:
An excellent post--both for the review of the film, and the insight into aging and being true to oneself.
Sometimes, you've got to let the birds eat the breadcrumbs on the path back to one of your "roads not taken" but that doesn't mean you can't get there by another route someday.
People deceive themselves that the point of no return is passed, because they're too frightened, or too lazy, or it's just too much easier to be bitter about it (whatever it was).
Of course, childbearing is different, because there really is a point of no return. And when you've been deceiving yourself, coming up against reality can be shattering.
I'm thinking of situations like the one in the movie, where age is a factor. It wouldn't matter now if she wanted to have her own child, because her body wouldn't be able to. The same is true of some careers that are demanding of the body. And with age people tend to become less attractive, so finding true love becomes all the more difficult. But above all with age people become settled in their ways, and the older they get the more difficult it's going to be to turn their whole lives around. They'd have to be almost heroic to pull it off, if they weren't heroic to begin with...
Today was the perfect day for me to have read this; thank you.
Hi, Anonymous, thanks, that's great to hear!
"And with age people tend to become less attractive, so finding true love becomes all the more difficult."
Whoops! You don't really believe that, do you??
Do I find that old age makes people less physically attractive? Yes, and I don't see it as a subjective matter of belief. But I didn't say it to hurt anyone's feelings, and I certainly meant no offense. I'm sorry if you disliked what I said, but it's my opinion.
Of course age affects your looks, and possibly your ability to inspire passion. I didn't mean to sound like I was bashing you!
What I was trying to get at is, do you really think that looks affect your ability to find true love? I don't believe that's what you meant.
Maybe I'm over-thinking it.
Dunno. We all worry about what our lives will be like when we get older. My logic is the older you get the less sexy; the less likely to get a date; the less likely therefore to be in an amorous relationship; and so less likely to be in a relationship with the love of one's life.
Yeah, that logic-chain works. I suppose that's why there are senior-singles cruises. :)
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