Princess Leia, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways

This is my entry for the Lazy Eye Theatre's Bizarro Blog-a-Thon.



And I'm taking this opportunity to say how much I appreciate that paragon of feminism and female empowerment, Princess Leia. She makes us, women who need someone stupid to identify with, proud.

The Star Wars trilogy is generally great in keeping women in their place, because have you noticed how there's not one. Single. Female. Jedi? Not one? Not ever? Puppets, yes. Samuel L. Jackson, sure, in the movies that followed. But women can't handle that kind of power. And that's where Princess Leia comes in: to show us how even if you do supposedly have the Force in you you simply can make no use of it unless you're a man; and that even if you do hold a position of great power because it was handed down to you on a silver platter, if you're a woman, you're bound to be hopeless at it. In fact, you will notice it's her twin brother, who she didn't even know she had, who saves the universe, not her.

Examples:

1) In the first Star Wars Leia is introduced to us as an impatient, ungrateful, sour little brat, thus making her realistic and easy for most women to identify with. Without a bodyguard to defend her she's completely useless in standing up for herself -- but that's just a Freudian cry for help, as she doesn't really want to be self-sufficient. She's hiding from the bad guys, and she could escape undetected, but instead she chooses to shoot against them, thus drawing attention to herself. She wants to get caught, see? She then proceeds to run down a corridor with no obstacles she can use for hiding. Naturally, she is quickly shot down. Luckily she's an important character, so the shot merely immobilizes her. Right away we can tell she's a perfect role model for women like us, who like to lie down and do nothing all day.

2) In the second movie, The Empire Strikes Back, you see her actually fixing something for herself, exhibiting skill and technological know-how. Right there I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Would this mean that from then on I too would be expected to do things for myself, without the help of a man to do them for me? But I needn't have feared, as the next moment her feeble little womanly arms can't take the strain of all this back-breaking work and Han must come to her rescue, before she breaks something. Naturally he is rewarded with a kiss, after he tells her how she really feels about him (she likes him, btw). She didn't know it herself! Women, they're so irrational. Never take a no for an answer, boys! They don't know what they want!

3) This relationship between Leia and Han perfectly exemplifies how important it is that a woman accepts being walked on. At the end of Empire Strikes Back, right before Han is frozen in carbonite, Leia tells him for what she believes may be the last time, that she loves him. That's appropriate, no? To which Han simply retorts, "I know". Boy, that's HOT! You can walk all over me any time you like, Han, you sweet talker you! She continues to love him after this, because it would be a shame for a woman to aim higher than a man whose last words to her are "I know you love me Kthx bye".

4) So of course she continues to love him, all the way into The Return of the Jedi, where she saves his sorry ass. In this movie you're kind of afraid that she will have become more competent, and lost all her adorable, helpless femininity and become positively mannish. But it's OK, because she is degraded into the role of a sex salve for Jabba the Hut. The fact that her slave clothes are the loveliest and the most smolderingly hot Leia has ever worn ensures that women everywhere will always go for the sex slave look whenever they want to dress like her, so nice move, George!

5) Later on, when she's riding a bike through the Forest of Endor, she's looking very cool and powerful. But that's ok, because she falls off her bike. That's right, she can't even ride a bike without hurting herself. I bet that's something we can all relate to, am I right, ladies? Then she must be thrown down again, by a wokee, who thus saves her from getting shot at. Yes, after all this time, Leia still hasn't learned to stay out of the guns' way. Her inadequacy is so endearing.

6) During the final battle on the planet of Endor she goes along, because someone has to be shot at and rendered helpless while others try to save her. And we know who that is, and it's not a man. The name begins with L.

7) But perhaps my favorite non-achievement of Princess Leia is that, at full speed, the Force in her enables her to... take a guess that maybe her brother isn't dead. I'd say she has a 50% shot at being right on that point, so that's proof enough that women can too have the Force in Star Wars movies, in their own "special" way. But luckily that's the only time the Force is, uh, strong in her, and she goes back to being helpless and cuddling with stuffed toys in a tree house on Endor.

Quite a role model!